A Twitchy Eye & a Good Cry

But closer I am to fine

“There's more than one answer to these questions, pointing me in a crooked line.
And the less I seek my source for some definitive, closer I am to fine.”

Emily Saliers & Amy Ray, Indigo Girls

And I went to the doctor…

My left eye started twitching a month ago.

At first, it was subtle, and I waved it off, blaming the horrific North Carolina pollen.

And then, it got worse.

This wasn’t the first time.

In my mid to late 20s, I was constantly dealing with eye twitches.

I went to the regular doctor and the eye doctor.

Nothing.

“You’re fine!”

Always just fine.

About a decade later, I came across information about eye twitches, chronic stress, and low magnesium.

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner.

Not once did my doctors ask about my stress levels. But that’s an issue for another day (and another post).

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There’s more than one answer to these questions…

For a while, I was diligent about taking extra magnesium and trying to manage my chronic stress.

But, like with anything, I sometimes got complacent, or run out of it, or simply the stress was too dang much.

This is where I’ve found myself lately.

Last week, I ingested magnesium powder stirred in water, slathered magnesium cream on my feet, and soaked in a magnesium bath. All in one day.

It helped, and my eye twitches have been less severe. Less looking like an American Girl doll with a busted eye that flutters up and down, and up and down.

I started thinking about my CAPACITY right now, right here in April 2025.

It’s not what it was five, ten, or 20 years ago.

Not even close.

I’m not sure it’s supposed to be either.

Gasp.

I cried in the shower, blaming myself for not being strong enough.

Blaming myself for letting things happen, for not noticing things, for letting the cleaning go, for not cooking that much lately, for not planning things I should (there’s what word again) be excited to do—the list goes on and on.

A capacity crisis, I suppose.

Jolinda Johnson, my health coach (and mentor and dear friend), helped me understand what’s happening in my body and mind right now.

Yes, it’s tied to menopause and the fact that my body (despite being on HRT) simply doesn’t and shouldn’t be at the same capacity as younger Vanessa.

Oh. Wow.

The roller coaster of puberty, pregnancy, perimenopause, and now menopause has tapped my reserves.

I am not the same person.

And friend, that is a good thing.

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Closer I am to fine…

When I sat down to write this post, I wasn’t sure where it was going.

“Closer I Am to Fine” by the Indigo Girls came on my Spotify playlist this afternoon.

It’s a song I’ve been singing since 1989. My friend put her Walkman headphones on my head, pressed play, and that was that. I was hooked.

But truth be told, I never truly understood the song until I was much older.

Like 50 years old, older.

There’s no single answer to anything for me right now.

No simple switch to turn things on and off. To turn things from stressful to rainbows and lollipops.

Maybe I just need to take my life a bit less seriously?

“Well, darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable, and lightness has a call that’s hard to hear.”

Hits close to my heart.

A favorite mug. A needed reminder.

Here’s a poem I wrote the other night. Maybe you’re in a season of thawing, too.

The Great Thawing

Lately, I've been thawing.
Drip.
Drip.
Overfunctioning.
Drip.
Drip.
Overreaching.
Drip.
Drip.
Overplanning.
Drip.
Drip.
Overreacting.
Drip.
Drip.
How did I get here?
I'm crying in the shower again.
Drip.
Drip.
We prize women for
being strong
and sturdy
while carrying the world's problems on our backs.
Do we become numb?
Do we build ourselves frozen fortresses
to keep out the heat of creativity, 
and the power of intuition?
Maybe menopause is the
thawing
I needed.
Hot flashes, blazing in.
I'm melting.
I'm melting.
Not a wicked witch.
Not a bad b*tch.
Just a woman
dripping,
revealing,
breaking down.
I'll swim in the puddles of my 
joy.

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Feel free to reach out with any questions. Thanks, as always, for reading. It means the world to me.

Vanessa 🦋

P.S. Shout out to the fantabulous Tiffany Han, who’s been gently and lovingly pushing me to question my capacity and helping understand all that this entails. And for the mug pictured above.