On Grief & Gratitude
Holding space for everything all at once
On March 6, 2023, I was over the moon excited.
I was getting ready to fly to Italy in two days.
It would be my first time there. My office was covered in bags, clothes, and various cords that I would need to be able to work and communicate for a week in Florence.
And then my cell phone rang.
It was one of my oldest and dearest friends.
I can’t remember much about that first minute. I heard the word “cancer” and my heart stopped.
I began to cry.
This couldn’t be real. Nope. Nope. Nope.
I held the phone to my ear, listening to my friend tell me what she knew.
After we said our goodbyes, I went into what I call “PROBLEM-SOLVER-VANESSA-MODE.”
Who could I call? How could I help? What do I do? Who can I fight?
Many Things Can Be True at Once
I took a deep breath, made a few calls, and then, because #momlife, I had to run errands and take a kid somewhere.
An hour later, I was sitting in the parking lot of Chipotle, shoveling chips and guac in my mouth, trying to soothe myself with salt and fat (yes, dude, I know guac is extra, load me up, please and thank you).
That’s when it hit me.
Lots of things can be true at one time.
I was allowed to be grateful for my trip to Italy
I was also allowed to grieve and be angry and upset for my friend
I was allowed to be grateful that she had good healthcare and a support system in place
I was allowed to grieve because life is really unfair, and cancer is an a-hole
Nuance and the ability to hold several truths and realities at one time are often lost in our world today.
Social media has a way of being divisive, regimented, black and white.
This or that.
It’s utterly exhausting.
We’re human beings with complicated hearts and souls and minds.
We’re not robots.
We can hold space for a multitude of thoughts and feelings.
Grief and gratitude can exist at the same time.
In fact, they often do.
“Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm gettin' older, too”
Stevie Nicks
Constant Companions
Grief and gratitude have been my constant companions these last few years.
And if I’m being honest, more like the last decade.
It’s not something I talk about a lot and not something I’ve publicly shared.
Maybe it’s time.
Maybe you’re experiencing something similar.
Midlife motherhood has felt like a rollercoaster that doesn’t come to a stop.
Sometimes, I feel like the ride is on some permanent loop and I can’t get off.
So, I throw my hands up—maybe laugh, cry, scream, close my eyes, pray, scream some more, curse, and stare down the ginormous hill in front of me.
And for the love of Pete, please, no more loopity-loops.
My post-kids-post-menopause bladder just cannot.
Yet here I am.
Grief and gratitude, riding shotgun.
Holding each other in check.
Holding me close.
Holding space for everything and everyone.
But Time Makes You Bolder…
When I set out to write this piece, I wasn’t sure what I really wanted to say.
Someone asked me about this specific top and about navigating this age and stage and all the changes and transitions that seem to come one after another.
I’m not sure I have a great answer.
I’ll leave you with a haiku poem I wrote the other day.
Be gentle with yourself, friend.